September 3, 2018
If you would have told me 8 months ago that I would never speak to my husband again, never look at him, never kiss him, never receive a text message from him, I would have told you to put a pillow over my face because I wouldn’t be able to survive one single day without him. If you would have told me that he wouldn’t be here to lay with every night and feel his warmth, reach up on my tippy toes to kiss him, or hear his handsome voice telling me he loves me ever again, I wouldn’t have been able to fathom the pain of what that may feel like and I would just assume to not feel it, and put me out of that misery before I would have the chance to experience it. Yet here I am every night falling asleep alone, looking at my phone and not seeing his name pop up, nor seeing him walk through the door. And it really is more painful than I would have imagined if you would have told me this would be my life. 8 months later, how I am getting through every day is beyond my own capability.
Ever since the day I met him, we talked- phone, text, Facebook message, snapchat, sticky notes- all the things- all day- everyday- for exactly 5 years. I was one of those over-bearing girlfriends when he wouldn’t answer a text back within a reasonable amount of time, I would become upset. Why? Maybe I’m crazy. Or maybe I craved to talk to him because he was my most favorite person in the entire world. Not talking to someone who I had an endless conversation with for 5 years is truly beyond my own capability.
We honestly did everything together. Grocery shopped, worked out, cooked, bathed our dog…when my prescription was ready at the pharmacy, the three of us (yes, our dog Daisy, too) would pile in the car and drive a half a mile down the road to get it. We didn’t do anything without each other. Why? Maybe I’m not independent enough. Or maybe because he was my partner in everything and I didn’t question doing anything without him. Or perhaps I somehow knew our time was limited. So how I am going to the grocery store by myself, out to coffee alone, or raising a 94-pound stubborn dog without his help, is positively beyond my own capability.
I feel like I have shared a few personal things, so why not dig a little deeper. Before our wedding, I developed debilitating anxiety. It came out of nowhere and it took over my life with full force. I think it stemmed from the fear of standing up in front of 150 people with everyone staring at me at the altar on my wedding day. Obviously, I wasn’t anxious of who I was marrying- it was just this unexplainable fear of having to stand up there for 15 minutes in the Atlanta summer heat. I still can’t explain why or where this anxiety came from, which makes it more frustrating. Regardless, Matt did some exposure therapy with me to try to overcome this irrational fear. He made me stand outside in the Houston heat (much hotter than Atlanta) in my wedding shoes, with a hooded sweatshirt on for 30 minutes, twice as long as our ceremony was supposed to be. (Can I just brag for a second about my sweet husband? Without judgement or criticism, he helped me through my absolute ridiculousness). And it worked because even though I felt jittery at the altar, it wasn’t as hot or as long as when we were “training.” The point of this obscenely silly story is to just put in to perspective how fearful and anxious I was 8+ months ago, when everything in my life was 100% perfectly fine. So, imagine now that something very real and terrifying happened to me, what my anxiety should be…
I was the Matron of Honor at my best friend’s wedding a few weekends ago. At her wedding, I stood up there husbandless, widowed, scared and scarred. But I was up there. I wrote a speech but convinced myself I wouldn’t be able to read it, told my friends that I wasn’t going to read it and that I would just write a nice letter to the bride and groom- up until the DJ called us up there as it was time for speeches. Something literally pulled me up from my chair and held me up there. I was able to read the words off my phone and through the microphone in front of 150 people. How I stood up there is exceptionally beyond my own capability.
All of this, the big and little things, that I’ve done in the past 8 months, are beyond my own capability and 100% through the strength Christ has given me through the Holy Spirit. This isn’t meant to brag or tell you all “I’m fine!” or “all is well.” I am writing to tell you why I can be fine. I am not fine on my own. I am not strong on my own, I am strong with Jesus. I am no longer anxious like I used to be, not because I just “got over” the things that made me feel anxious, but because I know God is in control. It is not worth the energy to be worried because God knows what will happen the next minute from now, tomorrow, and next year.
Would it be easier to hide under my covers and say no to all the opportunities that have arose since Matt has been gone? Of course. Do I hear the lies and fears running through my mind? All the time. Is it easier to listen to those lies rather than to ignore them and hand them over to God? Yep, it’s so tempting to believe them. Am I “okay?” A lot of the time, no, I am not. Bitterness, anger, pitifulness, and deep, deep grief do take up a lot of my emotions. But when I choose to see all of God’s works being put together piece by piece – joy, hope, and thankfulness begin to take over those other stages of grief.
Most of the advice I hear when I encounter a challenging situation is “give it to God”. Sounds easy… How do I actually DO that? It’s a constant learning process and I am trying all the time. But here are two things I cannot ignore:
- I cannot ignore hearing my husband’s soft voice in my head encouraging me, I can’t ignore his fearless presence I feel in me all the time.
- I also cannot ignore ALL of the things in 8 months God, Himself, has pulled me through. I know I am still in the depths of the valley, but because He has brought me through some of the worst and hardest things so far, I know He will not stop now. He will pull me up out of this valley. He has shown up for me every time I needed him to, how can I not believe He will continue to do so? Believing in this truth is how I can overcome such challenges.
I still have hopes and dreams for my future. A single dream cannot be put together based upon my own capability, it is through the power and sovereignty of Jesus Christ that dreams (big and small) will be fulfilled according to His plan so long as I put my trust in Him and honor Him. God isn’t going to offer me an instant solution, it is going to be a long, long road following Him, but He will point the way forward. I am confident that, in this storm, He is never going to let me down.
What are you going through right now that would be a lot easier if you handed it over to God? What dreams of yours haven’t been fulfilled because you haven’t invited God to help piece things together? What are you trying to accomplish that you can’t complete with only your own capability? Follow Jesus, He will point the way forward. You don’t have to do it on your own. You will be able to do the things you thought were impossible when you invite the God into your situation.
I am standing on the other side of everything I am afraid of, and God is standing there with his arms wide open*. He is walking with me, opening and closing doors, making things work together better than I could myself, He is good even when life isn’t.
*Lyrics from Wide Open by Northpoint INSIDEOUT.
Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzOaWq5YczA
August 27, 2018
Well over a year into widowhood, I found myself watching the girl with the sparkle in her eye and a hearty smile. She was goofy and seemingly carefree dancing and laughing in her dining room – and I was totally jealous. I wanted to be like her with all of her happiness.
The weird thing is, that dancing girl was me. I was watching a home video of my late husband and I, and boy, was I happy. I didn’t feel the pain of missing my husband, because he was right there with me in the room. As I watched all of our home videos and looked through our pictures, the same question jabbed at me; Who am I now? Will I ever be who I was before? The differences between the pre and post-widow me weren’t only in my carefree expressions of happiness, it was in how I could hardly remember someone’s name anymore, or how I felt like I could crumble under the expectations of how others thought I should be grieving. Pre-widow me knew (well, thought she knew) what her next step in life would be, but post-widow me wasn’t totally sure if she’d be any good for the work of the Kingdom of God. Post-widow me was tired and so easily agitated. Post-widow me struggled with fear of the future. Would I ever remember people’s names, have energy again, laugh until my abs hurt, or not dread good-bye’s so severely?
I believe the answer is an anomaly—no, but yes. Originally, I feared the answer “no,” but I now understand it isn’t a bad thing, it’s just a different thing. No doubt, it would be a fearful thing if the answer “no” weren’t also bundled with the answer, “yes.” There are so many similarities between myself now and who I was before, but overall, we are not the same and I praise God for that. I’m much slower to frustration again and I laugh until I can’t breathe again, but I still won’t be who I was before widowhood. Suffering is a refining process. God can use our pain to refine us in certain ways, and refining is not bad.
If our lives are surrendered to Christ Jesus, we shouldn’t want to remain the same, but rather to continuously grow in step with the Spirit. I’m glad I’m not who I was before Michael died, but it did require a season of pain and mourning to get here. And the journey is certainly not over. In the midst of the “Who am I stage?” we need to remember the identity God has given us, if we belong to Him. It’s an identity that isn’t swayed by our circumstances or emotions.
Becoming a widow did not strip me of the title of a child of God. Through tears from the pain of missing Michael, I could also rejoice in the fact that my Heavenly Father was doing a good work in me. When we don’t know who we are, we can trust Abba to always be who He says He is. When we feel our earthly identity is flaky, we can trust that the identity Abba has given us is sure and steady. We can trust God to use the pain and struggle of uncertainty to make us look more like His Son. We will laugh again, but we will never be who we were before the pain of widowhood entered our lives—and that’s a beautiful thing if we’re allowing the Spirit to lead us through it.
Setting our eyes on who we are is scary and ugly no matter what stage of life we’re in. We were not meant to find security in who we are, we were meant to find security in who God is. Our circumstances are going to reveal to us just how unstable we really are. Whether we allow God to use that to show us how stable He is, is up to us. While we’re redirecting our hearts and minds to Christ, He is growing and changing us to be more like Him. Being a new person is sweet, if it means becoming more like Jesus.
Growth and change look so different in different seasons. There are seasons of slow growth and rapid growth; seasons of invisible growth and visible growth. Nevertheless, if we are following Christ and living by the Holy Spirit we can trust God that He is growing us and changing us for our good and His glory. It’s not supposed to be a comfortable process, but it is worth it. I can confidently say, that the joy I have now in widowhood is not a result of my circumstances or my wavering personality, but instead because of who God is and who He says I am.
John 1:12-13 (NKJV)
But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name: who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.
Romans 8:14-17 (ESV)
For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” the Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.
August 20, 2018
I cut the grass because I love yard work and exercise. ?
I cut the grass because my husband is gone and it’s my turn to take over the yardwork. ?
I cut the grass because I cannot afford a lawn service. ☹
I cut the grass because the grass needed to be cut. ☹
Any of these you? Let’s give it up for all women out there who enjoy cutting the grass! For the first 40 years of my life, I had not experienced this joy (it’s all about perspective, right?). I cut the grass for the first time two years after my husband died. I know, I know, I was a spoiled woman! What can I say? My dad didn’t believe that women should cut the grass and neither did my husband – women worked on the inside and the men worked on the outside. But now someone had to cut the grass! I knew my 9-year-old son would soon be old enough to take on this responsibility, but I wanted to have a feel for what that would involve.
On that particular day, I had cooked several pots of spaghetti, lasagna, baked homemade bread, conquered many loads of laundry, orchestrated Saturday house cleanup with my eight small children AND added cutting the grass to my Widow Mom resume, all by noon! The adrenaline was flowing for sure. I remember proudly wondering how many men could accomplish that much by lunchtime?! In fact, I was singing, “Anything you can do I can do better!” Only God knows what kind of character He was trying to build in me (or tear down)!
Oh, if you could have witnessed my grass-cutting escapade – for the first half of my sloped front yard, I cut row after row without the self-propelled lawn mower in the self-propel gear! My neighbor had a good laugh watching me struggle to push the mower across the grass. When I saw him standing in my yard, I praised him for maintaining my lawn the first two years, letting him know he was receiving a lot of prayers at the moment – prayers of gratitude because I didn’t have to cut the grass up to this point. With that, he asked if he could show me just one little feature on the lawn mower, you guessed it, how to put the mower in the self-propel mode! I couldn’t believe it. WOW, I could dance while I mowed now and felt like I could cut his lawn as well! I even discovered that I liked cutting the grass! And I learned that sanctification is messy. This process was more about the work God wanted to do in my heart not in my yard. How often do I move through life on self-propel without allowing God to do the job for me? His yoke is easy when I wear His yoke.
Although my sons will tell you a different story because 19 years passed by before I cut the grass again! By the way, my sons don’t believe women should cut the grass either, but it’s hard to tackle the job long distance.) As an empty nest approached, I decided to come out of grass-cutting retirement and take on this job once again, plus I decided to take on the weeds too! Yes, I have weeds in my yard, but not because I like the look. I first tried complaining to the company that sprays my yard periodically that the side yard was full of “unwanted plants,” their response didn’t help much, “Ma’am, we don’t spray the wooded areas.” Sadly, there were no “wooded areas” in my yard, just obvious neglect. So, rolling up my sleeves, I went to work spraying, pulling, and fighting off this enemy in my land. With the help of my strong sons, we whipped the yard back into shape with the expectation to receive the Yard of the Month award.
Crazy, but I felt God speak to me about taking on this responsibility. He gave me a few guidelines, if you cut the grass, you must have a good attitude—no woe-is-me, sad-Sally defiance creeping into my attitude. I also heard him say that I could handle this responsibility and yes, the exercise would be good for me, ouch! So, with that in mind, I made it through with a few lessons learned.
First, thankfulness! Thankfulness for the years my husband, neighbors and sons provided for all my lawn care needs—it’s amazing how a little hands-on work will amp up your appreciation. Second, I learned that I CAN cut the grass and I can like it! (It’s really not much harder than vacuuming the house, but oh for the day they come out with a Roomba for the yard!) Widows have the opportunity, yes note the word opportunity, to do things our married friends do not, and that’s okay, and sometimes fun, albeit stretching! God knows that we have needs – He sees them all. He will show us what we can and cannot do. When the responsibility is beyond our ability (as it was for me for many years), He will provide another way. And finally, as you take on new tasks keep your eyes out for the weeds, you don’t want all that hard work to be wasted by unwelcome guests – like it is in our hearts, no truly good work can be done if we do not allow God to tame the weeds in our hearts making us a vessel useful for his purposes! Although a “prize” would be nice, an “atta girl” or massage at the end of the day, the satisfaction that I did a job to the best of my ability as unto the Lord is enough.
August 13, 2018
“For we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I am fully known.” I Corinthians 13:12
God brought my husband and I together confirming our decision to marry every step of the way. We both began our journey together knowing that it was “of God” – a gift to both of us.
Because of the many ways God united us, we chose to have our wedding bands inscribed with, “Everything God does, remains forever.” We knew in our hearts that God was bringing us together for a purpose…it felt almost supernatural. However, through the years I had forgotten that this verse was inscribed on my wedding band. Soon after my husband took his own life, I remembered and was disappointed that my “forever” didn’t match God’s “forever.”
The saying goes, “It ain’t over until the fat lady sings…” But what happens if the fat lady doesn’t sing in your life and it’s all over (or so it seems)?! What happens when you are journeying down the road of life and the road ends before your journey? Or what if you get on “the road” before you are ready to begin your journey? My marriage was over in many ways before it really started. I took my wedding ring off thinking, maybe I had missed God completely! It is interesting how we are ready to ask for a refund on our ticket just because “the fat lady doesn’t sing!”
Five years after his death, God asked me to re-direct my focus back to my original trust in Him concerning my marriage. I was ready to write this season off as a mistake, but God gently began to show me that eight children represented a lot of “forever” taking place because of my commitment unto the Lord in marrying my husband. God encouraged me to put my wedding ring back on, re-direct my focus, and trust Him.
After making this decision, I took the big step to take the ring to the jewelry store to be re-sized for my right hand. The young girl at the counter was very kind to help me and patiently listened to my story. We finally decided on the new size. I gulped a bit when she announced the price to have this job done, but I heard God say, “it’s okay.” As I was leaving the store, I had an idea. I wonder if I could put eight small stones around the single diamond to represent the “forever” from my marriage. I asked to speak with the master jeweler to see if it would be possible.
When the jeweler came out to help me, his first comments were, “You’re Bobby Apon’s wife!” I had only been to this jewelry store a couple of times and I had never met this man before. I replied, “Yes, I am.” He went on to share with me that his family had prayed for mine over the last four years as the Lord brought us to mind. “Ma’am…at least once a month we are encouraged to lift you and your family up to the Lord.” Of course, I stood there in a puddle of tears, overwhelmed by God’s grace in our lives.
I shared my story and idea with this man asking him if he thought it would be possible to add stones to my ring. Originally, I wanted emeralds in my wedding ring, but we chose not to add the extra expense as a young couple—we would do this later on. He said he would look into the possibility and let me know when I came back to pick up the ring.
I received a call, “Mrs. Apon, I have a thought on your wedding ring. I took your idea to add stones to your band to other businesses in the area, sharing your story with them. Several business owners have chosen to join together to have eight emeralds added to your ring. This will be a gift from the Lord.” I was overwhelmed and humbled. He went on to add, “the ring should be ready by May 17th the date I considered my new anniversary when God became my husband.
ONLY GOD—my Husband, would care enough to give me a new wedding ring with “forever” inscribed again on it, now with a much deeper meaning. A symbol to me of His love and continued light in the darkness. I am so blessed! We all have wants, desires, and wishes. Often these are related to real needs, but many times they are not. If we feel that we are “in want” it is because a need or desire is going unmet. If a need is unmet or we are in want, we must trust God. Ultimately, God is able to meet our needs. If He chooses not to, we must trust His wisdom. God, is trustworthy and can be trusted with your forever.
August 6, 2018
Dear you, who is starting college without a dad,
Here you are at the start of a new school year but still without a daddy. I can remember going off to college like it was yesterday–the freedom of a new world opening up to me! I remember move-in day with my family and the excitement of a new chapter just about to begin. However, I also remember feeling sad because I knew my dad wasn’t experiencing it with me. He would have been so proud of my accomplishments and proud to send me off to find my way in the world. I desperately wanted him to be there with me. If I had been in control he would have been there to share in my joy and my nervousness, but God had other plans and those are the ones we must trust. Many times we make our plans then wrestle with God over His better plans. He directed and is still directing my life without a father, and I’m finding that it’s turning out to be the most beautiful story.
“Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it? I will make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19
We may never know the reasoning behind what God allows, but trust that His plan is always to bring us closer to Him and to glorify Him.
I know the idea of college without a father might be daunting. People will assume you have a dad and talk about things that you might want to stay away from. But, let them ask the questions, let them wonder where he is, and then tell them what happened. I found that the more I was willing to open up with people and talk about my father, the more I healed. God will absolutely use your story to bring Himself glory, and that’s what our life is about! Claim your story with God as Father because it is a privilege and a joy.
Another thing: If you claim to be a Christ-follower then God is upholding you with His right hand and covering you with His wings. Fact. This means that He is in complete control and is protecting you. His very nature is that of a Father. Before time began, God had Jesus Christ as His son. Father is His first name! Cling to that in every single part of your life. Tell Him about the joys in college, and how you got an A on a test you studied hours and hours for. Cry to him when you feel homesick, or when you feel like you messed up in a class or on a team. He can handle your emotions, and as your Father, He wants you to pour them on Him. You shouldn’t have to go through it alone, and who better to talk to than your Creator, Father-God. He desires to hear your voice and have a relationship with you. Don’t let that fade, okay? He’s closer than our breath and wants us to be in His presence. Allow Him to work in and through you, and know that when the times get hard…He is there.
You’re going to change a lot in college, and I am excited to hear about how God uses you as a light. We’re called to be a “city on a hill” and live in a manner that glorifies Christ, no matter what. Use your testimony of God as your Father to point others around you to Him. There are hundreds of other kids who also have a story like yours and might not know how to deal with it. Show them the secret place found in Christ and allow yourself to be used of God. In the end, we’re broken vessels and if God can use you in any way to show others Himself then every bit of hurt, sadness, missing your dad, and misunderstanding is worth it. I promise you!
I’ve had God as Father for 18 years now, and I would look you in the eyes if I could and tell you it’s worth it. Very hard, and I’m not even completely healed – but I wouldn’t change it. God is faithful, and He’s going to carry you through the next season of your life as His precious child. Let this new season of fresh beginnings allow healing to take place in your heart. It may not feel right and it may be isolating, but you are not alone on this journey.
With God as Father, you’ve got this!
July 30, 2018
I don’t know about you, but in the days of my darkest grief, words were hard to come by. In my heart, I felt every emotion imaginable, but I couldn’t quite get them out in words. Early on, listening to other people cry out to God through worship helped me to not feel quite so alone. Surely if these people could sing in their hurt, so could I! There was something so beautiful about connecting with other hurting people through song and reaffirming our trust in God—like singing a modern day Psalm.
Then there were the days when Satan would tempt me to believe that my suffering was meaningless, yea, I still have them sometimes. It was then that I would blast these songs in my car or at my house. To this day, I can still feel the truth change me through each passing chorus. Scripture is powerful like that, in the days when it was hard to focus on reading it, I would listen to it in song!
So here it is, my list of songs that I cried to, praised to, chanted to…and willed myself to believe some days! It’s a list of songs that has held me together and raised me up in my faith. So many of these words have become my battle cry over the years, and I hope they will become yours too!
This playlist is for the days when the waves of grief come crashing down again. For the days when tears are more than laughter, silence is more than words, and sorrow is more than joy. Listen and remember, you are not alone! God is with you in the valley of the shadow of death. The enemy wants you to believe a lie about your suffering today, but you do not have to! Let the healing words of scripture into your car, your home, or your headphones. Don’t be afraid to sing it or cry it out! Let’s face it, grief is inescapable, so let’s at least make it good (truth-filled) grief!
Without further ado, here it is! I pray it blesses you today!
July 25, 2018
Showing love to a widow can be scary and intimidating. Below are some things to consider as you step out of your comfort zone to be present in her pain:
July 23, 2018
- She has experienced the death of her husband in exchange she received the title of widow. Offer words of condolence, “I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I cannot imagine what you may be feeling or dealing with.”
- She is in pain, physically and emotionally, creating the “widow’s fog.” She may look good on the outside, but there is a lot going on inside. Many men don’t know how to respond to their own wives and children in the context of pain, much less, another woman. Deal with her in an understanding manner, even if you do not understand.
- She is in a season of suffering. Challenges experienced by the widow and fatherless are personal and enduring, requiring individualized and long-term solutions. You can’t fix all her problems, but take what you are good at and see if it can be used to help her (organizing, cooking, writing a card, making a call).
- She is not always thinking clearly. Therefore, she may need for you to share information with her slowly. Writing down important information will help prevent misunderstanding.
- She may be afraid. She is afraid of her future, afraid of how she will live without her husband, afraid she will make a mistake, afraid she will not know what to do, afraid she will be taken advantage of. Be gentle and kind in your approach towards her with integrity.
- She may feel somewhat desperate because of her distressed situation. If you came to help with a plumbing issue, don’t be surprised if she asks you to move a piece of furniture. She needs help and doesn’t think of the proper protocol. Consider going the extra mile.
- She may have financial means to pay for home repairs, counseling, or other needs. This is great! However, she is still alone and may have needs money can’t buy. Be sensitive to her new status of life without a husband. Many widows are more than happy to pay for services, but desire trustworthy service providers.
- She experiences loneliness. Therefore, she may appreciate having someone to talk to. Showing compassion for her is more important than checking off your box for serving the widow.
- She needs help with clear expectations. Outline the job that you intend to help her with, preferably over the phone first. If you are pressure washing her driveway, make it clear this is the purpose of your service. If you are volunteering services, let her know from the start. If you would like for her to pay, make this clear when you set up the appointment.
- She should not be stereotyped. If she has a fresh manicure and Starbucks cup in her hand, don’t assume she is not managing her money well. Thank God for provision and care for her in ways beyond immediate needs, without judgment.
- She needs hope. A few words of hope are invaluable. Affirm that God is there even though you may not know how He will be there to meet her needs. Take time to pray with and for her.
- She is created in the image of God, therefore has immeasurable worth and value. Treat her accordingly in every respect.
When your husband dies, your dreams with him die as well. For me, some of those simple dreams were seeing Michael hold our little baby for the first time and telling him how good fatherhood looked on him. Sadly, dreams of sharing the love of Christ together, raising our son together, having even more children, buying our first house, traveling together, seeing our grandchildren, and doing all of the highs and lows of life together all ended in a moment. New good things would still come, but it would be without him. Most of us have broken dreams, but what are we supposed to do with them? And is there even anything we can do with them?
As you may imagine, there came a point in grief where I was fairly angry about all of these broken dreams. Even though I trusted God, I was still upset about everything I had lost along with Michael. I didn’t like the drastic, sudden change that had occurred in my life. I was severely rattled and trying to come to grips about minor things, like not being able to send him a text throughout the day or making him breakfast and packing his lunches. I was struggling with the fact that I didn’t have uniforms and nasty, sweaty P.T. clothes to wash, let alone the fact that we wouldn’t have anymore children together after the sweet, little one that was in my womb at the time of his death. I knew I had to trust that God knew what He was doing, but I didn’t want to let go of those now dead dreams.
I held onto all of my broken dreams, I wept over them, and I was angry about them. I think a lot of my anger sprouted from fear. I was struggling with a lie that said my future was going to be hopeless. At times, I was even thinking that my plan for my life was better than God’s plan. I had forgotten that God had dreams for my life, too. And since God is God and I am not, He knows and sees what I don’t, so His plan for my life is very obviously different than my own. When I began to fully trust God for that in the midst of my pain, I began to give up my broken dreams to Him.
The dreams were dead, and clenching them tightly in my fists was only digging my wounds deeper and wider. With clenched fists full of my own dead dreams, I couldn’t make room and take grasp of what God was offering to me as His dreams for my life. As I continued to hand over my own dreams to God, I began to realize He was taking my heart’s desire off of them and towards His dreams for me. This wasn’t just something that happened in a day, it was a process, and continues to be as life goes on and more broken dreams surface. When my son blew out his candles for his second birthday, and I thought, I wish his earthly daddy was here to celebrate him, I had to immediately follow up with, Here, Lord take this broken dream, and fill it with more of You. Nevertheless, the healing process had begun and the pangs of broken dreams were no longer destructive because my desire for God’s dreams for my life were greater than my own.
If we allow Jesus to do it, our broken dreams break way for blessing. In early widowhood, I used to just beg God to let me have some glimpse of what my life would look like a year or three out from then. I was so afraid of surprises and I just wanted to know so I could be prepared for what was up ahead. I remember telling my mom about how I felt and she asked me, “A year ago would you have wanted God to show you what your life would be like today?” I said, “Ummm, NO!” I thank God He didn’t tell me as a new widow what my life would be like today because I would’ve been mortified! The funny thing is, I love my life today. Yes, it’s not easy and there is pain, but that doesn’t take away from the good. I get to raise a precious little boy and I get the opportunity to be a part of God’s plan in other’s lives, as well. However, a year or two ago, my life now would have looked scary and unstable. The life I live today is very different from the dreams I once had for my future, but I know God’s dreams for me are beyond greater than my own. Even still, in this broken, sin filled world we live in, yes, life will include heartache.
Our Heavenly Father truly wants good for our lives. I have tended to say, “Good is not easy,” and when I look back on my short life and all the good that has come, I’ve realized that nothing good in my life was led by easiness (or painlessness). If we are equating good with easy, then we’ll find ourselves running away from God’s good plan for our lives. We’ll end up taking the easy route thinking we’re headed towards good things, but end up in harmful things rather than just painful things. The more broken dreams we have, the more opportunity we have to see God move in our lives. We just need to hand it over to God and trust Him through the pain; He will provide the grace.
July 16, 2018
In widowhood, envy is a huge enemy to healing. I remember in the early years of losing my husband looking around at all the married couples in my woe is me funk wondering why they got to be married, enjoying endless physical intimacy, and I didn’t.
Sexual bereavement is grieving the loss of sexual intimacy with your husband. This loss is not something that is openly shared or even recognized by most but is real. We are created as sexual beings. Sex is a gift of God to the married couple. Whether it be the quick kiss before he heads off to work, the long embrace after a long day, or the sex that unites the two, the death of your husband brings with it the death of your sex life, as well. For some, this sexual death is welcomed because that area of their marriage was abusive, painful, or non-existent. However, for many, experiencing this loss is devastating.
Matt Chandler describes the act of sex as a “mingling of souls.” To be physically, intimately, and deeply together with another person. You may not have thought of it in this way, but sex is emotional and spiritual as much as it is physical, which is why God gives clear guidelines for the handling of it.
Upon the death of a husband, every new widow is forced to ask, “How do I unmingle my soul from my husband?” For many, even myself, this was a terrifying question to ask. How do we transfer all delight, emotion, and physical dependence not onto another man but God himself?
In marriage sex becomes so natural; we get to know ourselves and our husband in ways that only we share. So it’s not surprising that there is no easy switch off after their passing, but yet the switch must be made. If we refuse to recognize our loss, especially in the area of sex, it will be easy for us to try to meet those needs in another man—which we all know in the back of our minds is only a fake and temporary fix. The switch is at its core a physical one, yes, but the deactivation and transfer of trust has to be in your mind. So how do we fuel our mind to accept our new circumstances and how do we protect ourselves from our unmet physical desires as we “un-mingle?”
The most important thing in any circumstance that we find ourselves in is to know what the Word of God says. God has given us His Word so that we may be encouraged and equipped for literally anything we come across, grieving sex and transitioning back to a sexless and single life (hard but true) is no different.
After losing my husband it was hard for me to accept being single again, I had been married for years, had more kids than I could count on one hand, and I felt too “mature” to be single again. But as I opened God’s Word, I was surprised to see that God presented singleness positively. Paul, the great man of faith that he was, was single and content. He was not lacking any maturity because of his singleness. He even went so far to say that he wished others were single like he was. His relationship status didn’t define is relationship with God.
“But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I… But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.” – 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, 32–35
“Therefore, I want younger widows to get married, bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no occasion for reproach; for some have already turned aside to follow Satan.” – 1 Timothy 5:14-15
God has given us relationships to satisfy our desire for emotional and physical intimacy. Paul says, yes, go ahead, remarry just don’t do it for the status change. And don’t rush it. Remain in the time of singleness and see where the Lord calls you, be devoted to God in both body and spirit. I love the way John Piper says it,
“Singleness has been a noble and courageous path for ministry ever since Jesus and the Apostle Paul chose it “because of the kingdom of heaven.” It is no sign of weakness to want to be married. It is normal, and it is good. The courage comes when you sense God calling you to singleness (for this chapter of your life) and you accept the call with zeal and creative planning for His glory.”
As you remain in this time of singleness/“unmarriedness,” it is important to set wise physical boundaries. Sex has been so biblically normal, and even encouraged, with your husband, but the Bible is clear, sex outside of marriage is wrong. Hebrews 13:4 gives us a chilling warning, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” And again in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God…”
God knows what a special and unique gift sex is. He doesn’t set up boundaries to harm you, but to protect you from following a strong desire into sin, especially in the lonely days after losing your person. Boundaries are important because you know when you are crossing the line. Write these down and live by them, invite accountability into your life, and allow God to lead you.
These are boundaries I still follow to this day. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you are alone with a man. If you feel a pull towards a man who is off-limits (married), run. If you feel a pull towards sex outside of marriage, run. Conversations must stay pure. Avoid chatrooms where mingling will lead to destruction.
Oh yes, men will come along that you will be attracted to. Perhaps he reminds you of your husband or appears even better. Be careful not to confuse love with lust (yes even for women) – lust is wanting something you don’t or cannot have.
Being aware of yourself is another thing I found helpful during my early single years, and even still now. I was young, I had children, and my hormones were raging. I am sure you feel the same. When we are in those child-bearing years, grief may be heightened at that “special time of month.” Don’t settle emotionally or physically. For this season, sex is off limits. This doesn’t mean it will never be again. This was a verse I used to quote to myself,
“But put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts.” Romans 13:14
Then there’s the things we can torture ourselves with, the movies, the romance novels, the flashbacks of our intimacy with our late husband, or the lingerie that used to make us feel so pretty. To all that I say beware. While this may feel good in the moment, mustering up the feelings for sex will only make life without your partner more difficult.
The temptations are all around. Just as one fasting from chocolate must remove all signs and smells of it from their home, you must do the same. While many enjoy watching Hallmark movies, these may not be a positive way to spend your time. Even though there is beauty in these wholesome romances, they may cause your heart to long for what it cannot have right now. When these lonely moments come creeping in, thank God that He allowed you to experience the gift of physical intimacy and then set your mind on other things. Discard old lingerie and enjoy wearing comfortable flannel loungewear for now.
Above all, trust God in this season of your life. He knows exactly what you need when you need it. When we focus on something we cannot have, we will be miserable. If we long for what is not, we will rob ourselves of what is today, singleness as a gift of God for this season. As hard as that is to grasp sometimes, I have seen God be faithful to me over the last 19 years. It isn’t always easy living without a husband, while women around are happy and in love, but God always hears my cries. He became my husband and provided for me every step of the way. He will for you, too, no doubt!
I’ll end with another great line from John Piper,
Why must I live my life alone? I do not know. But Jesus Christ is Lord of my life. I believe in the sovereignty of God, and I accept my singleness from his hand. He could have ordered my life otherwise, but he has not chosen to do so. As his child, I must trust his love and wisdom.”
July 9, 2018
Mark 12:41-44: “And he sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, “Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on.”
“A poor widow.” Gosh, doesn’t life feel like that sometimes. Half the person we needed to be for our family, friends, and coworkers and empty handed. Sometimes our emotional or physical poverty cuts so deep that we feel no possible sense of recovery, stripped to the core. In those moments our human response is to give up. Sometimes we even feel like it’s the only logical response.
There’s a beautiful secret in this piece of scripture for those who are not only widows, like myself, but for those who are spent, worn out, and suffering. There is respite and reward for those who dare to walk up to the offering plate with ripped jeans and nothing left in their pockets to offer but who are determined to give “all they have to live on.”
That was my life story 2 years ago. The tragic death of my husband of 14 months left me deep within the valley of the shadow of death. I was the poor widow, and I didn’t want to be. I wanted to walk up to the offering box of life to offer my large sums, proving that life was going well, that my dreams were still intact, and that I still had some amount of control on things. My reality was vastly different. I ate, slept, and breathed grief, “all I had to live on.”
I don’t know what your suffering looks like today. Do you just want your old life back? Is your kid’s grief breaking your heart? Are your hopes for finding your “dream job” waning as you spend yet another day at your cubicle? Are you having a hard time believing truth as you continue to fight that long lasting sin? Is death knocking at your door or that of a friend or family members?
Have you stared the brokenness of this world in the eyes recently and felt it’s sting?
Here’s the secret we see hidden in plain sight in Mark 12, your brokenness is a gift, reminding you and others that it’s not wealth, health, or prosperity that give you hope, it’s Christ. It’s a humble reliance on a God that says you can trust me with all you have, even to the point where it hurts, even when it looks like a mess of broken dreams. Two and a half years ago, all I had was a dead husband, no answers, and loneliness, but still God was calling me to come to the offering box. What I found when I went was not a God who mocked my “nothingness,” instead, as I lifted up my hands I heard, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…for when you are weak, then you are strong.”
When we are weak, God calls us to come, so that he can be strong. Look at the scripture, of all the people coming to offer their sums, Jesus highlights the small gift of the widow. No amount of money that the widow offered was going to make her gift more substantial to God—he didn’t need that. Jesus honored the small gift not because it was large in size but large in substance. Surrender is the lesson of the offering box.
There is always something to give back to God, even when our gift looks and feels like nothing. What is God calling you to drop on the offering box today? He is calling you to put it all in, everything you have to live on, tears included. He will be faithful.
July 2, 2018
I remember the feeling constantly haunting me.
I was certain I was going to die young.
I was certain I would never get to experience marriage or pregnancy or motherhood or any of life’s monumental joys that had always filled my dreams.
Not only was I sure I would die young, but I was relatively certain I would be the one to take my own life.
Since the moment I had stared at my dad’s body on a morgue table with a self-inflicted gunshot wound in his chest, a spirit of death had come upon me and, from that point forward, consistently sold me vicious lies that were packaged to look and sound like inevitable truths.
I was a Jesus-loving, Holy Spirit-filled, ministry-leading young woman who was regularly plagued by thoughts of suicide and inescapable feelings of oppression and death. Not because it was anything I desired, but because my soul was the battleground for a very real and tangible degree of spiritual affliction that I was completely ill-equipped to recognize and fight at that point in my faith journey.
Nobody had ever talked to me about true spiritual warfare. Nobody had spoken up about the reality of unclean spirits and the doors we often leave open for the enemy to maintain jurisdiction in various areas of our hearts and lives.
I didn’t grow up in a denomination of the faith that taught much about deliverance, so I assumed it was my responsibility to do my best to cope.
To cope with the feelings of oppression I just couldn’t quite shake.
To simply cope and focus on my desire for happiness.
When I opened the Holy Word of God I frequently read of Jesus casting out demons and the power of God to break the chains of bondage to unclean spirits in our lives, but nobody around me was talking about how I could practically be set free of my own struggles. So I assumed I was supposed to quietly find balance between both—faith in Jesus, balanced with the need to somehow keep my restless and anxious thoughts in check.
But Jesus didn’t take the cross and rise from the grave, conquering sin and death—overthrowing darkness and bringing a new administration of mercy and grace—in order for us to cope. Jesus came to set the captives FREE. To deliver us from evil and to give us the Holy Spirit as our guide and our helper so we can move through this fallen, oppressed world reigned by an enemy who is slick and deceiving (2 Corinthians 4:4, Ephesians 2:2, John 12:31), with great authority, power and victory over the dark spirits that delight in our self-destruction.
You see, in John 10:10 Jesus said,
“The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. But I have come that they may have LIFE, and have LIFE in all its fullness.”
Jesus was never apprehensive about addressing the realities of spiritual warfare and the prevalence of unclean spirits. He came to make us aware of who our true enemy is (Ephesians 6:12), and to equip us to recognize the schemes of darkness (2 Corinthians 2:11).
It’s why one of the very first things Jesus did when He began His ministry was cast out an unclean spirit (Mark 1:25-28). It’s why one of the first instructions Jesus gave the disciples when He sent them out was to cast out demons (Luke 9:1-2). It’s why, in Jesus’ final message before ascending to Heaven, He noted that one miraculous sign that will accompany those who believe in Him will be the authority and power to cast out demons in His name (Mark 16:16-18).
Jesus spent His ministry educating us to the reality that the affliction we face in this life is not simply a matter of mental health, or physical health, or emotional health. No, the reality of the battles we are fighting are of spiritual health. And He has given us the ability, through the power, love, rescue and restoration offered by the Holy Spirit, to armor up and fight the good fight of faith (1 Timothy 6:12).
I will never forget when I was delivered from the spirit of death that had afflicted me for so long. I was speaking at a church in Colorado and during a gap in our itinerary, the leadership team invited me back into their offices. They were so full of lovingkindness and so earnest in their care for me.
They sensed in their hearts that I was wrestling with something and they explained that they were passionate about seeing people set free from spiritual affliction. That was where I first learned the power of simply speaking about the affliction we are enduring. We take ground from the enemy who is shaming us into silence when we find courage to articulate our struggle.
I began to open up about this nagging feeling of death and doom that was haunting me and without missing a beat they began to pray some of the most powerful and specific prayers I had ever heard. They led me through warfare prayers that broke generational curses, claimed victory over the enemy in Jesus’ name, and reclaimed jurisdiction in my soul from the grip of unclean spirits. We repented of sins, prayed God would search my heart and draw to mind areas of unforgiveness in my life, areas of deceit, areas of disobedience. We prayed and repented and asked God to cover even the sins I could not draw to mind (Psalm 19:12). And then we praised and trusted. We praised God for His faithfulness to cleanse us of all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9), we prayed the blood of Jesus over my life—that I would be sanctified by His love (Hebrews 10:10-14). We trusted God for freedom by the power of the Holy Spirit and before I knew it they capped it off with a resounding ‘amen’ and it was time to head to our next event.
I was amazed. And speechless. And couldn’t quite wrap my head around all that had just happened, but my spirit felt instant relief. The next morning I woke up feeling legitimately renewed and from that day forward I was never again afflicted by fears of premature death, thoughts of my inevitable capacity to commit suicide, or doomed feelings of oppression or tragic loss.
I was truly free. In Jesus’ name, I was loosed of that unclean spirit and God’s power was put on display in my life in a truly miraculous way.
There were definite benefits to the ways the world had offered me help up until that point, but no grief counseling or anti-depression medications had been a complete prescription to the affliction of my soul. They had treated the symptoms, but never uprooted the cause. I needed Jehovah Rapha, the Great Physician, the One who is mighty to save, to do surgery on my suffering spirit.
Don’t get me wrong, I am truly happy our society is beginning to address mental health. It is very real, very important, and a layer of our well-being that is essential to nurture. However, mental health issues are not the sole answer to the cause of suicide. It is one layer of the problem, but it is not the exhaustive answer to the strangleholds we are wrestling with in growing proportions.
We must recognize that there is spiritual warfare that is real and tangible and we must fight for those around us who are afflicted and don’t know true deliverance or the hope of healing. We must become warriors of intercession. Part of the reason Christ came was to show us how to set the captives free, how to cast out demons, to heal, to love, and to move in power and authority. If we truly desire to make headway in the arena of mental health, then we must begin to speak of spiritual health and the Holy Spirit’s power to completely transform us from the inside out—leading to the complete and transformative renewal of our minds (Romans 12:2).
God fiercely loves every single one of us—and Jesus came to set the captives free. May we humble ourselves before the Lord (James 4:10) in order to understand these realities more fully and by the power of WARFARE PRAYERS put the unclean spirits, including spirits of death and suicide, in their rightful place—a footstool beneath OUR KING’S feet (Hebrews 10:12-13).
For more by Mo Isom visit: http://moisom.com/blog/
June 26, 2018
First know this: The one who chooses suicide is experiencing torment – to them, death was their only alternative. Their struggle was not against flesh and blood. Even Christians will wrestle against the forces of darkness.
- Don’t minimize the loss – they are not better off without their loved one and they do not need to find someone better at this moment. Don’t think that because they have other children or “have so much to be thankful for” they are not in deep grief.
- Don’t give uninvited advice. You could suggest, “Have you thought about …?”
- Don’t over spiritualize the loss – he’s in a better place, God will use for good, you are better off. Proverbs 25:20 says it perfectly, “Like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar on soda, is he who sings songs to a troubled heart.”
- Do show up, even if you are afraid to do or say the wrong thing. Your physical presence in their time of hurt means more than many words.
- Do listen actively – speak less, listen more.
- Don’t ask about details of the death or discuss how they died or what method they used.
- Don’t try to relate because you know a story of someone else who “did the same thing” and give the graphic details. Even if you share similar circumstances, every story is unique.
- Don’t place blame – did you see this coming, this is genetic, is he bi-polar, someone probably said something to “put them over the edge.”
- Don’t make negative comments about the one who died. It is never ever okay to say negative things about the one who died to one the person who is grieving.
- Do allow your friend the gift of telling their story over and over again. “Suicide is awkward to talk about with well-meaning people who asked how your parent passed away. But because it wasn’t a “taboo” topic in our family, I never felt ashamed or embarrassed to explain my dad’s story to others. I was thankfully able to recognize that this was his choice, not mine.” – Kayla
- Don’t make assumptions – he/she is in Hell, what a selfish thing to do, they must have not had faith in God.
- Avoid gossip, slander, and malice – these are the enemy to healing.
- Don’t try and fix the problem because you can’t.
- Do allow them to grieve while you hold their hand as you would when visiting a friend laying in a coma in the hospital bed. You would never try to physically fix them, but would sit by their side until healing takes place.
- Don’t attempt to explain even when the one left behind is wrestling through explanations. There are many sides and perspectives to the story. It is never helpful to try to diagnose the reason the loved one chose to take their life. Just love the grieving person and be there for them.
- Do allow them to wrestle with the same questions. It will take a lot of patience, love, prayer and time for them to work through this.
- When necessary, carefully – very carefully, speak truth in love at the right time (it may be months or years later).
- Don’t evaluate their process in grief giving them a report card or grade on emotional status. Emotions will change and it really does take time.
- Do know that suicide is numbing. It is brutally painful and so shocking that it leaves the grieved stunned for years. “I was very young when Daddy passed away so my memory isn’t clear. It took several years before it finally began to sink in that I’d never see my dad on earth again. As we all know, those first few years are always a blur. But now as I look back, I can see there was a peace surrounding me even in the midst of the horrible things that had happened. It was almost as if God was saying, “It’s okay, I’ve got this and you.” So even though we experienced an incredible “bad,” I could see God using it for good the whole time.” – Isaac
- Do trust God with them. Trust that God is sovereign over all. Suicide is not the unpardonable sin.
June 25, 2018
Being a friend to a widow is a special calling in itself. It requires patience, compassion, and a lot of prayer. If you are a friend to a widow, please don’t think for a second that your relationship isn’t important to her. Whether you knew her before her husband died or you became friends after, you are important. I wouldn’t be where I am today without my friends being there to be a listening ear or a helping hand.
So, you may be wondering what exactly to do or say to encourage your friend but aren’t sure how to go about it. There is no honest way for me to give you an exact guideline of how to be an awesome friend to a widow, because I only know my own grief and my own needs—but, I’ve made a little list that I hope and pray will help you to come alongside your friend in her grief and get to know her unique needs so you may meet them the best you can.
- Don’t be afraid about not having the “right” thing to say, because honestly, she probably just needs you to just listen more than anything else.
- Don’t be afraid to sit in silence. There will be times when a widow doesn’t want to talk but still wants to have someone there. Hours after I found out about the death of my husband, a few women came to simply be with me. They said their condolences and then they just stayed around the house. It was nice to have people near, while not having the pressure to communicate. Ask her if she wants to be alone, but don’t assume it for yourself.
- Ask her questions. Almost all of my friends would start out with something like this before asking me a question about grief or widowhood or my late husband, “I don’t want to offend you, or pry, so if it’s too much you don’t have to answer.” And then I would laugh because I actually enjoy being asked! Questions meant someone cared. And if you still aren’t sure if it’s okay to ask then simply begin your question with line above!
- The obvious thing to do may be to cry with her, but it is so important to not forget to laugh with her. A widow needs friends who aren’t afraid to laugh with her. And she also needs you to know that it doesn’t mean she is “done grieving.”
- Invite her. Having a birthday party, holiday party, Super Bowl party, or any get-together and think it may be too soon to invite your widowed friend? Invite her. She may say no, but it’s good for her to know that she hasn’t been forgotten or ousted. After the loss of my husband, I felt like a complete outsider. I knew grief made people uncomfortable, so to have friends that I knew still wanted me around, grief and all, was uplifting—even if I turned the invitation down (which I did a lot).
- Acknowledge the hard days. The anniversary of a husband’s death, Mother’s Day (if she is a mother), and her birthday can be hard days. I have had amazing friends who have surprised me with handwritten cards, flowers, and gift cards. Their awareness of tender days for me has been so encouraging to me, and I could never thank them all enough.
- Be there to help. Not having a husband to help me with things around the house left me feeling like a burden on others. I’m so grateful for the friends who pushed me to allow them to help me before I was able to humble myself and learn to ask. I could be wrong, but I think every widow will be grateful for yard maintenance—and some house cleaning. Also, having friends she knows she can call on to watch the kids if something’s comes up and family isn’t available. Let her know she isn’t burden, and you enjoy being able to help her.
- Pray and get into the Word. Pray for her (and her children) to draw closer to the Lord in their time of suffering and pray for yourself to help them along their journey. Read the Bible with her, text her scripture, encourage her in the Lord. Align your own heart to the Word so that you may be encouraged to encourage, as well.
- Lastly, be sensitive. Be loving. There is no real timeline or order for grief. Grief is as unique as each of us are.
June 18, 2018
“And may the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one another and to all, just as we do to you.” 1 Thessalonians 3:12
Choosing Life Doesn’t Necessarily Make Things Easier Instantly
I love summer! I love the freedom of non-heavy clothes, the ease of dinners cooked on a grill, the sounds of neighbors who’ve come outside! What I don’t like (in addition to winter!) is sweating – and I’ve been doing plenty of that this week! Why? Because I like flowers! And they need tending! And the sun is out . . .
When you’re walking through grief, it can feel like sweating all the time! (Or snowing all the time!) There will be times when it seems like it’ll never finish – when it seems like you’re living in two worlds: the world you feel, and that second world you believe. You believe God is there, you know He is – yet there are days when you feel the heavy sweat or the deep coldness of aloneness. On those days, and they will come, there are things to remember which will help you leave your alone state and move into the company of what you really do believe:
1. Remember God’s past kindnesses. Recount them over and over. They will remind you that you have a future and a hope!
A few weeks ago, before I celebrated the 32nd anniversary of my husband’s move to heaven, I sat in my bedroom “alone,” grappling with a change in my body that did not bode well in its self-prediction to me. I fully recognized what it “could be,” and then I turned my thoughts to, “Lord, I remember . . . and how You turned it around in a way that just couldn’t have happened on its own!” and “Lord, I remember . . .” and I remembered in detail three incredible moments of my life’s history – separated by 27 years of time – where God intervened and turned life around for me, and peace filled my being! “You did. . . Lord, and I believe I’ll see it again!” We do sorrow, but we sorrow with hope! This is not all there is!
2. Remember to choose life today. Choosing life doesn’t necessarily make things easier all at once.
The young virgin, Mary, chose to let God’s Word happen in her and endured the stigma of bearing a Son out of wedlock all the rest of her life. Jesus Himself chose to leave heaven to become our Redeemer and was hated by those He’d come to save. Yet both reaped great reward later for the life choices they made! How do you “choose life?” By saying, “Lord, I don’t understand Your ways. I don’t even like them sometimes. But I know You know things I don’t, and based on that, You made decisions that make me feel ripped wide open – I’ll trust Your heart when I don’t get Your actions!”
3. Intentionally keep moving forward. Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss.
And then take whatever time it takes for you! You’ll have conflicting masses of feelings – there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just reacting to the end of familiar patterns that you didn’t want to end. Keep the Lord involved in all your feelings; don’t hide them from Him or yourself. As long as You keep Him involved you’ll come out alright. You’re normal for where you are.
And remember that, above all, you are loved by a Love who really does know what grief is like!
June 11, 2018
While many across the country honor dads in June on Father’s Day, our family has chosen a different time for remembering Father’s Day. The date of my husband’s death is the day that God became Father to a dadless group of children, according to Psalm 68:5 that declares God to be a Father to the fatherless. Because of this truth, God gave our family a creative way to remember this day in our lives by leading us to consider our Remembrance Day as our new Father’s Day, replacing the traditional Father’s Day recognized by the world. Yes, we may have skipped Sunday School here and there to avoid the pain of making cards for a dad who is no longer here. We have acknowledged that in the midst of suffering there is a holiness wrapped around the acceptance of God’s sovereignty. Even though the day is tender, we have incorporated lots of traditions to celebrate this day making it sweet and memorable. If you have turned to God as Father, perhaps you might want to consider re-locating Father’s Day on your calendar as well.
My husband’s specialty was pancakes, so we would go out for breakfast to enjoy pancakes or eat them at home – I wanted them to always remember eating smiley face pancakes with Daddy! Because we didn’t have pancakes that often, especially colored ones, this is a treat! Nineteen years later, the tradition remains.
Since we were eating ice cream at the exact time of my husband’s death, we have included that “bittersweet” memory into this day of remembering. We head to the ice cream parlor at the end of the day to celebrate that God is sovereign. He saw the big picture – our family enjoying ice cream cones while daddy was making the choice to end his life.
Children love balloons, so I would buy balloons, one black and one of “their color” (each was assigned a color at birth – it has proven to be a great way to organize things with 8 kids, and they all think that color is now their “favorite” color). For devotions that night the releasing of balloons symbolizes two areas of reflection:
- Black balloons – I ask them to dig in their hearts to uncover any unforgiveness, anger, or pain that might need to be released. Tears are shed, and hearts are cleansed once again.
- Colored balloons – we thank God for all the ways He has been a father to them over the last year. We offer up a sacrifice of praise thanking Him for His faithfulness. He really is a good, good Father.
We cry – we laugh – we remember. From time to time, I would share with my littlest ones, and now my children share with their children, a story they need to know, “Once upon a time there was a real daddy living in this house, but God…” They listen intently as if I were telling a fairytale. I love to tell how God became their Father, how He is working all things together for good and how He uses everything for His glory! And perhaps there is a similarity to the ole fashioned fairytale…they lived happily ever after!
May 28, 2018
No matter how far down the road of grief you have traveled, one month to 20 years, renewing our hope is essential. Every battle we face must be fought with the hope of heaven. On the hardest days, we need other people to hold on to that hope for us. We need to know that we aren’t the only ones trying to survive the pains of death. We need to see that people have made it to the other side, life after death. That’s what a good book can do. It can reinforce the truth – the truth that all hope is not lost, that there is purpose in our pain, and that Christ is still faithful. The list here is not exhaustive, many Christians have suffered and written to say that God is still who He says He is, these are just some of our (Lori and Alex) favorites.
Note: If you only have time in your busy schedule to read just one book, pick the Word of God, every time! There is no replacement for the hope it offers and the healing it brings.
Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert
Hands down this is my favorite first book to give to one starting a journey in grief.
This beautifully illustrated book describes and defines the grief process in such a way that a five-year-old to 95-year-old can understand. Without overwhelming the one suffering, it educates them on what to expect. Wrap this book up with a box of Kleenex or a handkerchief and deliver this as your first attempt to show compassion to the hurting one.
The Path of Loneliness by Elisabeth Elliot
Great read for anyone along the widow journey.
Few people understand the suffering of a widow quite like Elisabeth Elliot. Enduring the tragedy of losing two husbands in her lifetime, she brings real hope to tired and lonely hearts. In this book Elliot balances love and challenge perfectly. She acknowledges the crippling pain of our loss and grieves with her readers, but she doesn’t stay there. She reminds the reader that this suffering we now face is meant to push us to a greater understanding of Christ and his love for us and the broken people of the world. This book taught me to embrace my loneliness as a gift from God himself and to use this hurt to push me into a hurting world that needs Christ.
A Grace Disguised by Gerald Sittser
One of the first books I read on grief was written by a man who lost his mother, wife, and daughter (three generations) in one tragic accident. His story impacted me deeply. The anointing over the sharing of lessons learned tutored me at the beginning of my own journey. “In coming to the end of ourselves, we can come to the beginning of a new life – one marked by spiritual depth, joy, compassion, and a deeper appreciation of simple blessings. If you let it, your sorrow will increase your capacity to live well, to love life, and to experience joy, not after the darkness but even in the midst of it.”
Lament for a Son by Nicholas Wolterstorff
Good for the hurting trying to put words to their pain.
Nicholas Wolterstorff lost his son, and like any who lose someone they love, felt the all-consuming sting of death on his life. In his attempt to express his pain, he wrote several short journals some memories, some questions, some moments of deep pain and moments of deep hope all with simplicity and candor. This short book, literally gave words to my pain. I cried with it and laughed with it. Wolterstorff walked with me in the hurt and made me feel like I was not alone.
TIP TO THE READER: Make sure you make it all the way to the end and watch how Christ starts to transform this hurting parent’s heart and orient his mind toward the hope of Heaven.
The Gospel According to Job by Mike Mason
Great to read devotionally. Good to give to guys going through a trial.
The story of Job and his suffering is more than most of us can comprehend—he lost his family, possessions and his own health. Even though our struggle may not compare with the amount of loss Job experienced, at some point in our own process, we may feel it is close. Job can be a difficult book to understand. Mike Mason does an excellent job of breaking it down into bite-size pieces to read devotionally over time. The Word of God on the book of Job will speak and encourage you in your own trial, “through Job we learn the secret of the gospel: that ‘mercy is the permission to be human.’ The Lord never gave Job an explanation for all he had been through. His only answer was Himself. But as Job discovered, that was enough. The Gospel According to Job sensitively reminds us that it’s all right to doubt, to be confused, to wonder–in short, to be completely human. But what will heal us and help us endure is a direct, transforming encounter with the living God.”
Through the Eyes of a Lion by Levi Lusko
For all who feel like their pain is too much and too hard to keep going!
Written by a man who lost his young child, Levi Lusko shocks the readers system back to life with so much hope for the future. Lusko gives the grieved the much-needed push to keep going! He encourages the reader the stare in the face of tragedy and fear and fight it with the power of Christ. I read this book in the first year of becoming a widow and was consoled in my pain and energized to use it to help others see their need for the Gospel in the midst of earth-shattering pain.
The Undistracted Widow by Carol W. Cornish
Good for widows in the 2-3rd year.
There comes a point in the process where life comes after death and it’s time to move forward. The Undistracted Widow challenges widows to look at their new season in life as purposed. With this perspective, women are encouraged to look at what God says about the widow, her identity, emotions, and direction encouraging her to move forward by putting her trust in God.
Suffering and the Sovereignty of God by John Piper
For all who want to have a greater understanding of suffering.
Suffering brings about wrestling even for those strong in the faith. Wrestling with the truth that God is in complete control over every aspect of life and death. If God is ultimately the one in complete control, how and why does He allow us to suffer? If He really loved me, He would have stopped the pain – wouldn’t He? These issues are handled Scripturally with compassion and understanding from those who have also suffered.
May 22, 2018
Denial seems like such a safe state to be in. Perhaps this is why the body goes into a coma when a painful physical injury occurs, so it isn’t fighting with itself in order to heal.
For the first few months after a husband’s death, it is common and somewhat necessary to walk in denial instead of reality. Around the 6-9th month, however, the “shell of denial” will begin to break off leading the grieving one to make a choice – stay in the coma of denial, which would eventually lead to emotional death or wake up and begin to deal with the pain.
One morning during my quiet time, God took me back to my labor and delivery days. I heard God tell me repeatedly, “Embrace the pain!” Every time I would hear this admonition I would ask, “What?! Did I hear you right?” and “How?! Can I embrace the pain without it hurting?” Because He knows me, He gave me an illustration that was easy for me to relate to – childbirth. Moms, remember back to the last weeks of your pregnancy. You were ready to pay any price and do anything to deliver that baby, right? You are elated when you feel the first contraction! Your heart jumps and you’re overwhelmed with excitement. The time has finally come! You readily embrace the first few contractions because you know that you will soon hold the fruit of your efforts.
Now remember the delivery, three or four hours in, or even minutes for the fortunate ones, you are still ready to do what it takes, but the experience of labor is beginning to lose its thrill. You cringe when each contraction comes along, and at times, you even may want to resist the contraction. Your body goes through transition and the pain becomes intense. You really aren’t sure you are going to make it. It is at this point the doctor or midwife comes along and gently, but firmly says, “You need to embrace the pain to deliver the baby. Relax and give into each contraction and that will bring forth your child!”
“What? Embrace the pain?!” At the moment, embracing pain seems impossible, but the reward ahead moves you to do your best to “relax and give into the pain.” At that point, your body is free to do what it needs to do and before you know it, you are holding the fruit of your labor!
Emotionally, the grief experience is similar. We could deny something has happened and that God is at work. We could continue to walk in an empty shell (or impregnated one), but God has encouraged us to go ahead and relax, embrace the pain and watch Him bring forth life.
For me, this meant accepting the reality of my huge loss, and yes, that hurt! Much like the doctor or midwife though, God can be trusted. When He calls us to accept the pain and press into the new life He wants to bring, He is trustworthy. In the “birth pains” you now feel, focus on the promise of God that He is with you even in the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23). I know it might not feel like it today, but God is at work and will bring forth the fruit of your labor in the land of suffering.
“God has caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction.” Genesis 41:52
May 14, 2018
The initial command from God to men who become husbands is that they love their wives – and not just emotionally. Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.” Notice that this is not a taking love but a giving love – a self-giving love. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about God in thirty-three years of walking with Him it’s that He never asks us to do what He doesn’t do!
When my husband died unexpectedly, 3 months and 8 days before our 25th wedding anniversary, I missed his expressions of love terribly. Those expressions weren’t always perfect, any more than mine were to him! Humanity has a way of doing “less than.” But he loved me, and I knew it – and I needed and missed them!
If my Maker, my God, in real fact was to act as a husband to me now, how would that look?
May I give you one example?
The first Sunday of May, 1991, I came in from church feeling emotionally exhausted from dealing with my new “widow role.” Philosophically I wondered how that “widow role” fit in with the scripture I’d discovered in Isaiah 54, “Your Maker is your husband . . .” but I was tired on that Sunday afternoon, and I didn’t want to think anymore; I decided to take a nap.
I don’t know how long I slept, but as I felt myself coming awake I was aware of these words in my consciousness: “You’ll be alright!”
I could hear the wind escalate alarmingly. I got out of the rocker where I was sleeping, walked across the room to the sliding glass doors opposite me and watched as what the news would later call a “just below tornadic storm” ripped across the lake at my yard’s far edge, its center seeming to be on the next street over from my house. I watched in awe as that heavily wooded street laid down its tall pine trees in rapid order so that houses barely visible before now stood in plain sight. As suddenly as the storm came up, it abated, and I opened my door and stepped out to walk around and see what had happened on my street. None of my trees were down, and no damage was visible to the house – a neighbor’s tree had come down on my driveway but my car sat safely in front of my garage. The street next to mine was closed for 3 days while the city harvested the trees that had fallen during that heavy wind. If you look at the newspaper for those days (Columbus, GA), you’ll see that the city actually sent buses out to pick up the residents who needed to go to work but couldn’t drive out because trees were down everywhere.
Hours later, in the evening time, I really “took in” what had happened that day. My Maker, my God, had shown His love for me on a scale greater than my earthly husband ever could have. Little by little we learn that though our roles have changed and our husbands are no longer in their place in our lives, we are not “out there” on our own!
April 30, 2018
Remembrance Days are actually biblical. We see in Scripture encouragement to stop and remember. The Remembrance Day is the date a precious one departs from this world leaving life to never be the same again. For many, no matter how hard you try, you will remember on the anniversary of your loved one’s death. May you also take time to remember the faithfulness of God during your time of suffering.
Today’s article introduces a new section to the blog team, the voice of the fatherless. We pulled out an old article of remembrance because we felt it was worth remembering. Kayla Apon Whittinghill shares lessons from her pain:
Approaching May 17th each year feels a little bit like walking out of the mall after shopping only to find that it is absolutely pouring outside. You have no umbrella – your only choice is to dash to your car and embrace the inevitable drenching of you and all your belongings. You are safe once you get to your car, but the process is always a little messy.
This day feels the same to me – there’s no way to avoid the tears, the remembering, and the revisiting of scars that many times go unnoticed. It’s not fun. I will get wet, but on the other side, usually the morning of May 18th, I feel cleansed and at peace after tasting of His faithfulness once again.
12 years without my daddy.
Has it really been that long? In some ways it feels just like yesterday that mom came downstairs and told us through tears that we had a new daddy. On that day we joined the privileged group of people that are particularly protected and cared for by God – “A Father of the Fatherless and defender of the widow is God in His holy dwelling.”
“Do not move the ancient boundary or go into the fields of the fatherless. For their Redeemer is strong; He will plead their case against you.” (Proverbs 23:10-11.)
I never would have chosen to make the trade between a natural daddy and having God only as my Father – but I’m so thankful that God decided for me.
Every year the loss is felt in a new way. Last year, it was the pain of not having him here to know my husband; this year it hurts that he isn’t here to rejoice in this pregnancy, and I know next year I will long for him to be able to know and love my son.
The thing that hurts the most is that he chose to leave. He took his own life – no one but the enemy influenced his death. He didn’t have to do it. Yes, even in this, my soul is at rest because of what I know of my God:
- He is sovereign. Nothing can happen to me outside of His consent and all-wise plan.
- He can do me no wrong. Only because of the cross am I experiencing such grace in this life. Even the most severe trial is a taste of mercy because the pain doesn’t even to compete to the wrath I deserve but will not experience because Jesus drank it all for me.
- Knowing Jesus better because of this is totally worth it. If this is the way God has chosen to introduce me more deeply to Christ, if this is His preferred method of making me more like Him, and if there are lessons and treasures that can be gleaned from this trial that can be obtained in no easier way…then I am grateful. So. Very. Grateful.
- Knowing Jesus even just a little bit better is infinitely worth any amount of pain I must experience in the process. He is just so good.
I will definitely cry a lot on May 17th…I always do. But even in the pain I know that I do not grieve like someone who has no hope. I will see my daddy again. My pain can only go so far – and no farther, because Jesus is coming back and I will see my Savior’s face, He will wipe the tears from my eyes, and then I will always be with the Lord.
“Bless our God, O peoples, and sound His praise abroad, who keeps us in life and does not allow our feet to slip. For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid an oppressive burden upon our loins. You made men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water, Yet you brought us out into a place of abundance. Come and hear, all who fear God, and I will tell of what He has done for my soul.” Psalm 66:8-12, 16
April 23, 2018
Job is a familiar book of a man who lost everything that was precious to him, his family, his possessions, and even his own health. Many people came to comfort him, but no one understood what he was really going through. His comment during his peak grief season was, “Miserable comforters are you all!” While your widowed friend may not experience the depth of suffering that Job faced, she may identify with several aspects of his pain, feeling as though she is the modern day Jobette. Your part in her story is crucial. She needs friends and family to offer their support and presence, not opinions and misinterpretation of God’s work in her life. Let’s learn from Job’s friends to avoid their mistakes. Let’s comfort her in ways that deeply bless her, knowing that one day she may turn around and comfort as she has been comforted (1 Corinthians 1:3-5).
How to be Jobette’s Friend
How to serve the widow in a way that will best serve her and her children:
- Do not compare your experience with death and grief with hers. Do not say that you understand what she is going through. Her story is her own. While you may have had an experience with death, she really needs to know that you do not know exactly what she is feeling at this time.
- Do not evaluate her grieving process during the first few years. Many well-meaning friends and family will issue a report card assessing her progress–she is grieving too much or too little. Grieving takes time no matter how hard one tries to speed up the process. She does not want to be graded and watched as if she were living in a fish bowl.
- Do not expect her to say thank you. She is appreciative but overwhelmed. Not only is it difficult to remember to express gratitude, but she may not have time with all that she is now dealing with. She may also feel uncomfortable being on the receiving end of life.
- Do not assume she is prideful because she does not ask for help. Often, she doesn’t think to ask for help, doesn’t know who to ask for help, or feels she has asked for help too many times.
- Do not get offended if she forgets an important celebration in your life. Grief is hard work and consumes her energy. She will return again, but it will take time.
- Do not consider her personality change as permanent. She is not able to focus on your own problems now. She may appear to be self-focused, but this will not be forever. While you love her unconditionally, you are modeling the comfort she will offer to others one day.
- Do not make empty commitments. If you say you will cut her grass, make sure to follow through.